My 28th Birthday

My 28th birthday went a little unexpectedly. For a few days we had been feeling like I could possibly be pregnant. We had decided to wait until Friday, my birthday, to take the test to know for sure. Friday morning I woke up about 6:30, of course, on a day that I could have slept in. I finally woke Jay up at 7 so that we could take the test. No details are needed here but we took the test, sat back in bed and waited about a minute to look at it. And...it said PREGNANT. We were so excited and could hardly believe it. As soon as Carter woke up, we put him in his "big brother" shirt that we had bought months ago in preparation. We went out to breakfast for my birthday at Sassy Onion and all we could think about and talk about was the fact that we were actually going to have another beautiful baby. After we were done eating, we went over to my dad's and told him, then over to my mom's and told her and called the rest of our family that we couldn't tell in person. We sent out lots of texts of Carter in his big brother shirt and people were so excited. I even came home after that and announced it on facebook. Within an hour of putting it on facebook, the thing that you never want to happen when you are pregnant, started happening. I will not go into any details. :)

It was easy at first to talk ourselves into thinking it was normal. "Everything is fine, these things happen, it doesn't have to mean the worst..." So we went about our day and went to a bbq at Jay's work for EMS appreciation week. Jay even won a paid vacation day! Woohoo! We love extra paid vacation days. On our way home, I called my doctor to set up my eight week appointment and decided to run in and do the confirmation test in the doctor's office. Things got worse at that point and then she came out and said that the test showed that I was pregnant but it came up very slowly and faint. She asked me to go into the hospital to do the quantitative blood test right then and then again on Monday morning to see if I was miscarrying. By Saturday afternoon, reality hit that we were most likely losing our baby. I was five weeks along exactly. Monday morning, I went in for my other lab work and called the doctor a couple hours later to hear that we had lost the baby. My numbers were 55 on Friday and only 6 on Monday. Definate miscarriage. I am writing all of this because I want to put my thoughts down in writing and because I want to always remember my second pregnancy. I don't know if that is weird or not but it was a pregnancy, even though it was short lived, and I already loved that baby in just the few hours that I knew I was pregnant and the few days that I thought I was.

We were ready to be pregnant, at least in our eyes we were. We thought the timing was just perfect. Carter would be one month from his second birthday, baby would be born right after Jay's birthday in January, and we felt pure joy that we were going to get to do this all over again! Some of you may be thinking that I am being dramatic, and that is fine. This was a big moment in our lives that I will never forget. I truly believe that God was protecting us from greater heartache down the road and that our little baby, the size of a poppy seed, is in heaven right now. I really am thankful that it happened early, quickly, and without any complications. I am trusting God and his perfect timing, but not without many tears and somewhat of a broken heart.

I did enjoy parts of my birthday. I loved going out to breakfast with Jay and Carter. I loved that Jay cooked me delicious rib eye steaks for dinner. I love that he bought sparkling cider for our dinner. I love that Carter got to spend the evening at my dad's house. I love that Carter got to have a sleepover at my mom's house so that Jay and I could have a relaxing evening at home. And I loved my little date night with my husband, sleeping in the living room, watching a movie, and my cute Miche shell that Jay bought me for my birthday. I also loved getting my hair done! Thank you Jay for making my birthday special even in the midst of one of our hardest moments.

Today, I have accepted what has happened. I am sad. I have moments where I just want to lay in bed and cry. But, I am thankful for so many things and I know that each day will get a little easier. I am so thankful for my Carter man. Going through an experience like this makes me even more thankful for my beautiful boy...If it's even possible to be even more thankful for him than I already am.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, encouraging words, and prayers. I appreciate them more than you will ever know!